天 灰

Pictures taken from my hostel room overlooking the phase 2 of MMU Cyberjaya campus at 7.00 p.m.

3rd October 2006, Tuesday, Hazy

Today had been a hazy day (as you can see from the pictures above). Those pictures were taken when I get a rest while studying in my hostel room.

My feeling as this moment is almost like the hazy day outside. Management exam tomorrow yet I am still here blogging. I am supposed to finish up what I need to study yet I take a step back from it (still have a lot of things that I can't remember). I don't think I am well prepared for tomorrow even if I burn midnight oil for it. It's FINAL EXAM!! But why am I feeling this way?

I am really tired now. 我很累，真的很累。 我想放弃却又不可。

I can't give up now. I have made a pact that I will prove to my parents that I can do well here.

I remember someone told me that the only thing that the only thing he doesn't want to see is me giving up.

I remember people said to me that I can do it.

People had been saying that Form 6 is the hardest thing that a student can go through. I been through it once and yeah, it's the hardest thing that a student can go through but I never feel this way. The feeling of giving up never been in my dictionary while I am studying in Form 6.

But this time around, I can't feel the power to go on. I almost gave up. My heart is not in all this now. I wonder why I feel this way? Nothing bothers me right now. I go through the whole semester without problem and sadness at all but it's Final now yet I feel like giving up? Not love problem ( I don't have lover at all right now), not family problem (my family did not give me any problem). Tears rolling down as I wrote this. I had been feeling grey this week and I did not cry at all yet I cry while I am writing this?

I know I can't consult anyone on the state I am going through right now. I know that I have to stand up on my own. Not relying on people.

Nothing can explains my feeling better than part of the lyrics from the song '天 灰' by S.H.E.

"我的天空今天有点灰

我的心是个落叶的季节

我不知道如何度过今夜

所有的灯早已经全都熄灭"

I feel like running away from all these. No, I can't give up now.

I will try my best.

Maybe I am feeling this way because I wanted to be the best of all.

That's all for now.

~KEAT YEE signing off~